Dear Girls, He is Not Your Savior: Addressing our desire, our value and our worth


I’ll be honest, middle school was not my finest.

It was so difficult for me that when I started coaching a very fine group of 5-8th grade cheerleaders on a whim, I felt like I was stepping back into my 8th grade year and my internal anxiety was through the roof.

Who really wants to walk back into middle school?

No one, ever.

I have a theory that middle school is hard because we desperately want one of two things:

To be noticed or to be not noticed. Or the third option…a little bit of both.

In middle school we don’t know our desires, as girls, as budding women, or as people, but as we grow we begin to identify them more clearly.

We want to be loved.

We want to know we’re valued, worthwhile.

We want to feel safe, physically, emotionally, and relationally.

There’s probably more, but I think those are the big three, particularly for girls.

Some thing weird happens too, sometimes we have no idea where to find them. We start searching, searching, and searching some more…we look every where, but we mostly look at men to tell us, what only God can –

We are loved.

We are valued.

We are safely held by Him for eternity.

A few months ago, I wrote this article for Concordia Publishing House –

Dear Girls, He is Not Your Savior

It’s about our deepest desires, the problem of sin, the struggle of Satan trying to hide what is good from us, and the weight of expectations in relationships.

As the months passed, I wanted to hash all this out a bit more; to understand why my wild, young, and rebellious heart looked everywhere but to God for fulfillment in this life, and why it’s a struggle still today.

Why do I so often want a man to fill me, when I know good and well that only God can?

You’ll find a few of the answers I found here, in this new podcast episode: Dear Girls, He is Not Your Savior.

It present 5 things I think we’re searching for, a few good questions for evaluating our expectations in our relationships, and also offers encouragement, whether you’re single, married, young, old, wild, or tame – to run to God, run. He’s already got you anyway.

You are loved by Him.

You are valued by Him.

You are safe in His arms.

I’d love to hear from you. Tell me your experiences, your thoughts, or send your questions. We’re all figuring our this life together, led, and fully filled up by our Savior.

8 thoughts on “Dear Girls, He is Not Your Savior: Addressing our desire, our value and our worth”

  1. This is one of those areas I think that our fiction affects us more than we like to think it does. Think about the fiction we give our girls. Even in Christain fiction, how often is the Hero there to rescue her because he loves her even with all her faults? Could there be a more misplaced faux Messianic message? Of course, now we go the other way too. Where the message is that if she has enough girl power she can rescue herself, and him too. Which is also not accurate or healthy. Think about the other things you don’t see in our fiction. When was the last time you watched a television show where the happily married couple was more than 10 years out, or less than 50? I can think of one show, or maybe two, but it’s certainly not the norm. How about this. Can you name a female character in a show that is part of the team because she’s smart and accomplished, and none of the men is looking to be in any sort of a relationship with her? Our tropes are hurting us. It’s time to tell a different story.

  2. You hit the nail on the head. I absolutely used to look to the guy to fulfill all my needs. It led to bad choices and heartbreak in my youth. It took me many years to learn that Jesus is the only one who can do it. I think it can also be one of the things that leads to divorce. When in marriage you eventually realize that he can’t fulfill all your needs it’s easy to start thinking that some other guy CAN.
    I love the last words… “the rest is just bonus”
    I REALLY wish someone had told me all of this when I was a teenager. But thanks to this podcast you’re making it really easy for me to tell the girls I know. I’m going to do that right now by sharing it with them.

    1. Trina- Absolutely, this dynamic is so strong in marriage. He can’t carry the weight of all of our expectations and it’s not fair to ask him to. Only God fills us. God heals us. God protects us. Our husbands are such a gift, may we honor them as such, by God’s Spirit. May we appreciate their imperfection, and may God help them to appreciate all of ours! 😉

  3. Sometimes the husband thinks he essentially *is* like Jesus, to this degree. It’s hard to discuss anything in that line of thinking. Any thoughts here?
    What do you do when you have that kind of husband?

    1. Sometimes it’s easy for husbands to confuse their own role too. Good point! When this happens I think encouraging them that we appreciate their imperfections, that you’re thankful for who God made them to be individually, because they point us to Christ. I think there is some theological confusion here (particularly for men who serve in ministry, but all husbands to some degree) that we are Little Christs going out and serving our neighbor. I think this is from Luther or CS Lewis or someone we deeply respect, and while useful, also leaves out the work of the Spirit. It is the Spirit (and therefore the Trinity, which makes it theologically confusing) that resides in us. The Spirit is who God sent to build faith in us and do the work through us. Christ does live in me, according to the Apostle Paul, but I am not Him. He alone is perfect, He alone is worthy. So while, Christ in me is not wrong, me being Christ for other people, wrong. See the confusion?! It’s not simple! Practically, I would say encourage husbands in their role as husband. Thank them for their sacrifice. Thank them when they share Jesus. Thank them and build that part of their role and vocation as husband up and ignore or talk about the complicated parts over coffee just for the fun of it. Pray and ask God to make it clearer to both spouses. Pointing out this kind of error otherwise never goes well, as we probably already know. 😉

  4. Even as an adult I have to constantly remind myself that God is where I need to go for strength and comfort. It’s hard when you feel unlovable and unwanted to think that even God could use or want you.

    1. It’s so true. This is a constant reminder we need and one we look to the Word for answers and strength to believe in all the time, daily. We are loved. We are worthy. Christ proclaims us so.

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